I remember reading a story about a man who found a cocoon and a butterfly. He noticed that there was a small opening. He sat and watched this butterfly struggle for several hours trying to force its body through the little hole. Then he noticed that it stopped making progress. As if it had given up. So the man decided to help the butterfly.

 At some point in our lives most of us have felt insecure about something. That feeling of not being confident in yourself or your abilities. Or feeling like you are not good enough in a relationship. I know I have.

I heard this a few days ago as I walked by a park with children playing. I thought to myself. " Wow! I remember that. Blast from the past indeed. As a child I remember hearing this on the playground many times when someone was being made fun of.  It implied that you could harm me physically with acts, but you couldn't hurt me the same way by insulting me. As children we believed this. We chanted this.

I think about it now as an adult and realise how untrue this statement is. In my opinion, it is the reverse.

Words are incredibly powerful and harmful and can cut like a knife and leave scars for years to come. If someone punches you, you feel that pain maybe for a few days. Someone says something about you and your character when you are in vulnerable state? That can last a lifetime.

The words others say to us can have a deep impact on our lives and our future. However, I believe the words that are most harmful are the ones we say to ourselves. Think about it for moment. I bet some of the things you say about yourself you would never say to anyone else. Things like, "You're getting old. You don't have enough money. You are so out of shape.You should be further along in your career. You look terrible. You are not good enough. You are getting wrinkles. You look exhausted... etc 

But for some reason it is okay for you to be unkind to yourself, even though it isn't okay to be unkind to others. I am guilty of this too. I can speak incredibly harshly to myself which is definitely not speaking my truth.

I have been telling myself that I am burnt out and exhausted. How I need a break, a vacation. Now, I can see the direct correlation between my words and my attitude. My hurtful and judgemental words to myself have cut down my productivity to the point where I can’t be my usual bubbly, energetic self. It has offed my ability to inspire and encourage others, which I love to do. My words are having a direct impact on my perspective of self-worth and my ability to express joy and love without hesitation.

So what does this all mean? What's my solution?

Well, words can hurt you. But if they can hurt you, if they can have that deep of an impact, then it makes sense to assume they can also lift you up and heal you if used in a caring way.

One of my favourite verses in the Bible is found in the book of  Proverbs 18:21 "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit." What you say to yourself or to someone else can either speak life or speak death.

There are a few things that I think would be helpful

1. Watch what you say. Start being mindful of what you are saying about yourself and start to say things that uplift you rather than put you down.

2. Give thanks. You can always find something to be thankful about in your life.

3. Speak life. Not only over yourself but over others and watch how your life and theirs change.

And start doing these things today, with me. Don't wait until tomorrow or another undetermined day in the future when you feel it is time. Start now, and don't let those judgemental and unkind thoughts take priority in your mind. 

Just another way to live prosperously.

The season has changed. It is the beginning of my favourite season of the year. Some call it Autumn and some call it Fall.

When Fall comes around, for me it is a reminder that the year is coming to a close in a few months. It is a time where I look back at the goals that I had set for the year and see how far I have come and to gauge what I still need to accomplish.

I noticed on my list of things that I had planned on doing this year something that I have not kept up with. Doing something new or stepping outside of my comfort zone daily. Ooops.

What is it about some things that we say we are going to do but then don't do them? I remember being so excited about this. Imagining myself doing all these fun and exciting things that I was fearful of and then breaking through and feeling that sense of accomplishment.

So what happened? Why didn't I follow through? I was so sure I would.

It is easy to begin something new but it is the follow through that is difficult. We have all been there. We get that new idea, decide to lose weight, get more fit, decide to take a class that we have always wanted to, decide to start dating...etc. And then somewhere along the way we don't actually do it. At least, that has been my experience so far.

I decided to sit down and look at the entire list, and while I did that I noticed something: All of the things that I had either finished or in the process of finishing had all been the ones that I had talked about to others. The ones that I was being held accountable for.

However, the ones on the list that I had kept to myself and did not share with anyone? Those were the ones that I had no follow through. Hmmm. So what does that mean for me? I think that it is easier to put things off till another time if we don't have someone holding us accountable for what we have claimed to do.

From my experience it seems that if you really want to set a goal and accomplish it the key to making it happen is to tell someone about it. Have an accountability partner. That way there is someone holding you to what you have set out to do. It's like when someone decides they are going to start working out: If they get a workout partner to meet them at the gym there is more of a chance they will make it there because there is someone waiting for them.

(It sounds so simple, right? So why don't we do it more often, why don't we involve others in our goal setting more actively? But I think that's a topic for a future post.)

So now that I have ousted myself as not having kept up with my goal of pushing myself outside of my comfort zone daily, I guess I have to start that daily practice. And hopefully by my sharing this goal with you, you can help hold me accountable to grow and become the best me along the way.

Kindness is defined as the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate. A kind act.

So why is it so difficult for some people to accept an act of kindness?

I have found myself in this situation so many times I have lost track. I am kind to someone and the response is anger or second guessing. It is like people are expecting my gesture to have an ulterior motive.

Let me give you an example. Today, I was in the subway station and noticed a woman struggling to find change in her purse. I had just purchased some tokens and decided to give her one. I placed the token in the dispenser and said to the attendant "This is for her. I am paying her fare". He smiled and said thank you. However, the woman looked at me with anger and said "NO, you can't pay for me". I smiled at her and said "It's okay. I want to. Have a nice day" and she said "Unbelievable!" in a harsh manor and shook her head and walked away angry.

I stood there in disbelief.

Although, it should not have surprised me.

When I think back to the many times I've done something similar to this, the response has been the same. People unwilling to accept the gesture from a stranger. People feeling like there is something behind it. People being suspicious and unhappy.

Have we become a culture that is so lacking trust for one another that we can't even accept simple acts of kindness without feeling like there is some motive behind it? I really hope not. The more I thought about it the more it made me feel disappointed. Sad that we have come to this. I tried to think of a reason why this could be. I came up with this.




First I thought: "What are the feelings you have when you are kind to someone? What state are you in?" For me, I feel a sense of grace and peace in the art of kindness.

Then I thought some more. When you are in a state of peace and grace you are more likely to accept kind acts and perform them as well. However, if you are not in a state of peace, how can you be kind?

It is difficult to be kind when your life is chaotic and your emotional states are up and down. When your mind is occupied with paying the bills, maintaining your relationships, getting out of debt, making sure the kids are fed, making sure you are healthy, keeping your status at your job...etc! So when you are so preoccupied with all of these things it is hard to be at peace and when someone does offer a kind act your inability to do the same brings up the angry feelings. It takes extra effort and with all the stresses of life it is hard to do.

In my opinion, the reason kindness is not accepted or done as often as it could be is because it expresses our most gratifying state, which is peace. Most of us are not at peace with ourselves so it is difficult to be at peace with others.

How do  you get that to that state of peace when you have all of these things going on? By working to take care of yourself. Make sure you are doing the things that bring about peace in your life. Let's face it, some things are outside of our control and we need to just accept that and do what we can do in those situations and leave the rest to what is. But when and where we can we need to be respectful and supportive of ourselves so we can in turn pass those feelings on.

So what makes me continue to do these gestures when they are not well received most times? My biggest weakness is I like to help people. I will continue doing what I can, even if my actions are only appreciated by the few. And in a nutshell I will continue to do so regardless of the outcome.

I recently watched a movie that made me really appreciate the value of friends and friendship. I watched "Girls Trip". A comedic film about four life long friends who take a trip after not seeing each other for years. During this getaway their friendship is rekindled and strengthened through tests of loyalty. I rather enjoyed this film and found myself laughing a lot. This movie reminded me of how important friendships are in life. 

Friendship is defined as "the state of being friends" or "the quality or state of being friendly." I feel like that does not even give the true depth behind friendship. I think it is a relationship where people share similar values and interests. It is, to me, one filled with a combination of the following: trust, loyalty, love, respect, cooperation, affection, and support. A place where you feel comfortable to be you and bring all parts of you to the relationship.  
 

Here are some key qualities that I think are vital for a happy, healthy and strong friendship...


1. Emotional Safety

Feeling safe to share what is going on in your life means that you don't have to think about whether this person is going to broadcast your life to others. You are able to share and process what you are going through with people who will support you and love you regardless of what you do. 


2. Dependability

Being able to call up that friend when you need them to talk about any issue, to be able to get support from them and not have to be put off for weeks shows you you have someone you can rely on. If you have a person that makes up excuses every time you need them, they may not be the "ideal" friend. 


3. Ability to be genuine

They tell it like it is. No sugar coating. If you have done something wrong, they tell you. If they see you going off-course... they tell you. If you are dating someone that is not good for you, they tell you. The friend you want is one that helps you become a better person. They don't tell you things that you want to hear, they tell you things that you need to hear for your growth as a person. You don't need a "YES" man. There is clear communication and conflicts are dealt with directly, which is a sign of a good relationship. They help you stay humble at times when you may forget what that means.


4. Ability to accept you flaws and all

They love you just the way you are. You don't have to pretend to be someone that you are not. You don't have to worry about being judged by them. There are no conditions placed on your relationship. No one is perfect. Everyone has insecurities that they struggle with and true friends recognize this and accept you with all of your flaws. 


5. Ride or Die

Real friends stick with you through thick and thin. They do not bail at the sign of trouble in paradise. They work on improving the relationship and understand that relationships are not always roses and candy.  They want the best for you and stick with you through the darkness and into the light. They will assist you in the hard times. A true friend knows that you can't do certain things on your own, you need the help of others to build you up and lift you to higher ground.


6.  Fun

Relationships are boring without an aspect of fun. It is imperative that you enjoy being with each other. Being able to laugh with and at each other builds lasting memories.  


7. Believes in you

A true friend believes in you. Supports you and is your biggest cheerleader. They feel your passion and know your vision for your future. They celebrate your successes with you and mourn your losses right along side you. They believe in you even when you don't. They push you to become a better person.


8. Listens to you

They listen to you. They really listen. They pay attention to what you are saying and are actively present in conversations with you. There is nothing worse than someone that is not completely there with you or someone that brings the conversation back to them. 


9. Knows how to forgive

They understand that mistakes happen and we all make judgement errors from time to time when it comes to our relationships. The foundation of the friendship is based on love so when things that require forgiveness come up, there is a courage that surfaces to resolve the issue and move forward. 


10. They make time

Friendship like any other relationship requires quality time spent. We all get busy with life, marriage, kids, work, school...etc... Things happen. However, true friends understand that, and carve out some time to catch up or the relationship falls apart. This catch up could be a phone call, text, actual meet up, some form of communication and when they do connect it is as if no time has passed at all. 




I can say that I have some friendships that have all of these traits and more. Living prosperously depends on it.